Not a weeaboo




this guy was watching iCarly with me and now he’s educating himself how precious is that

he keeps asking me all these questions about aspects of iCarly and he’s like “so basically it’s about three teenagers who do crazy things” and I was like yea and he was like “oh okay that’s so simple why doesn’t everybody watch iCarly” it’s precious

update: we random danced


I was at a horse race yesterday when some kid lost his balloon…

I love being someone’s first anything because then they’ll always have to remember you

throwin shade aint gon help u shine ma


cat people: dogs are cool too
dog people: cats don’t feel love did you know a cat once MURDERED my MOTHER




I’ve fucking died. I’m dead. A dead guy over here. Big dead-o. Ole Dead Bones. Cause of death: Dogs, but not for that reason.




for halloween can i be your girlfriend

No but like She just walked into the room and shes like “this girl again oh” (ive been there almost every day this week.)
And im like !? Because her tone was mean
And she asked my bf what he wanted to eat and then asked me if i wanted anything and my bf was like “oh she’s a vegetarian” (because his mom was going to a burger place)
And she shut the door for a sec and opened it again
And she was all “oh my god a vegetarian? Really elias?”
Which was fucking RUDE. because i was right there and even though she isnt aware were in a relationship she didnt have to make me sound like some object.
Like im some fucking insuperior hippie. Like he can do better than ‘a vegetarian’


My boyfriends mom treats me like some fucking bimbo right in front of me.

Even if i was one of his girls he hooks up with i still deserve some fuckin respect.





the funny thing about dril posts is that they actually do have a structure to them– they hit a kind of conceptual caesura halfway through, a point where there’s no inevitable logical connection between what’s been said and what’s still to come. here, the first sentence didn’t need to result in the second, yet it’s not “lol random” either; the speaker is angry about his boss’ draconian ferret-kissing policy, and reacts in kind, and even the reference to a “screen saver” reminds us that we’re in an office. it’s a narrative progression that, despite having an internal logic, alienates its punchline from its setup. who the hell is this person?

one thing i love about @dril posts is how they all seem to take place in a universe that is somewhat like our own, but with the habitus of white middle america taken to a bizarre, absurd, but strangely logical conclusion. take this one, for instance: 

so we have our setting: a security guard protecting the american flag in the betsy ross museum, something almost archetypically american and middle class. but once again the first part, or setup, for the punchline, “fucking the flag,” careens the joke into an alien punchline that still, given the setting, makes sense. @dril’s security guard character imitates a sort-of cop-talk, the banter of a security guard, “buddy, they wont even let me fuck it”. you can imagine a similar response from a guard at any museum, but we’re talking about Fucking the American Flag, here. 

i really love @dril. 

it’s astonishing that a human being thinks of those posts. some person, someone out there whose existence we have to infer, because all we know is that those posts occur and they must be coming from somewhere. “the @dril​ tweeter” resonates as “the beowulf poet” does, except beowulf (which i’ve only read in translation, so i’m not an authority) has never made any use of the english language as baffling and sublime and somehow primally interlaced with the stuff of human consciousness as “IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL.”

This is my favorite post, I am so glad I found it again.


*plans life around having a rich significant other*


These PSAT jokes “made my day”

A) “made my day”
B) “were making my day”
C) “do make my day”
D) “having made my day”
E) “are made of my day”